YOU'RE OUT!

The other day I was reminded of one of the first jaw dropping stories during the dating stages with my fiance.  After a few months, we decided it was time for he and I to meet our respective children.  At the time, they ranged from 5 years old to 13 years old. He having 3 children and me having 2. We decided we would take our families and meet up at the mall, which we did.  After the greet and meet we decided to go play miniature golf and then baseball at the local field.  Everyone was in position as we took turns hitting the ball and running the bases.  Soon, it was my fiance's turn to bat.  Now, I remind you, he was born and raised in Italy where they don't play baseball, and I soon learned that the extent of his knowledge of this All American Sport was that he knew someone hit the ball, someone catches the ball and the goal was to come back to home plate.  That was the extent of his understanding of this game.  He gets up to home plate, stretches and takes a typical stance getting ready to hit the ball, all excited to play this American sport and attempt to make a home run!  He's ready!  One of the kids was the pitcher and so the ball is thrown.  Sure enough my fiance swings and hits the ball pretty far.  He runs and runs and runs around the bases as fast as he can with a smile from ear to ear.  He is SO proud of himself!  The whole while he hears us SCREAMING at him, but has no clue what we are all saying.  He assumes we are cheering him on and sure enough, he rounds the last base and comes home, stomps on home plate and jumps up and down saying, "I made a home run!"  Only for his ego to be shot down when he finally heard what we were saying....."YOU RAN THE WRONG WAY, IT DOESN'T COUNT!"   Yes, after hitting the ball, he had run as fast as he could to THIRD base, then to SECOND base, then to FIRST base, then HOME!  Once he finally understood our explanation of how he ran the wrong way and his "homerun" didn't count,  he threw up his hands, said some curses in Italian and sat on the bench, never again to pick up a bat or ball!  After a short while of bench time, bored to death, he suggested we all go out for Pizza!   Never again did we play baseball as a whole, but many a times we all went out together to eat Pizza!  THAT, he could do well!

FOUND: used condoms!

One day, while in our trailer at the campground, I found a small army type bag around 6" in length, width, and height with a long shoulder strap attached to it in one of my cabinets.  I wondered, hmm whose is this?  One of the grandkids I'm sure.  I look inside and find a bunch of latex slippery "things" stuck together and hold them in the palm of my hand.  I don't have my glasses on so I call to my fiance and say...."Hey, what do you think THESE are?"  He comes over, grabs it out of my hands and screams......EWWWWW   THEY ARE USED CONDOMS!   We both scream now, and I tell him to throw them in the garbage bag that happened to be on the deck.  Then we both, still screaming, run to wash our hands with soap and hot water!  EWWWW WHO COULD HAVE PUT USED CONDOMS IN THIS BAG!   What slobs!   My fiance says....."Who do you THINK?  It HAS to be one of your sons!  Well, I guess he is right and of course the oldest is the first who I accuse because he is such a jokester, he probably put them there for me to find! But this is taking it WAY too far even for him!  I say to my fiance, "Are you SURE they are condoms?!  He said, "Yes, I know a used condom when I see one, I used enough of them when I was younger as he describes every little detail to one of them including what is "inside", if you get my drift!     "But first, he says to me, you can't accuse....I'll look in the bag because there are little books in there and maybe we can figure out which grandchild's bag it is and then it would be their parent."  So, he goes thru the trash, looks thru the green bag and discovers it's my YOUNGEST son's childrens' bag!   I was SHOCKED!  I called him immediately and this is how the rest of this story unfolds:
Me: (to son #2) I DON"T THINK IT"S FUNNY WHAT YOU DID!
Son #2:  WHAT? 
Me:  You KNOW what I found in the cabinet in a little bag!
Son #2:  WHAT?
Me:  USED CONDOMS!
Son #2:  I don't know what you are talking about.  What little bag?
I tell him the whole story and he swears it was not from he and his wife. He asked me if I was sure they were condoms.
Me:  Yes, (my guy) said he knows what condoms look like, he used enough of them when he was younger and they are deffinetly used condoms!
Me:  OMG.....it must have been your BROTHER!  I am FURIOUS, I'm calling him NOW!
I call Son # 1
Me: (to son #1 )---I DON'T THINK IT'S FUNNY WHAT YOU DID! 
Son #1: - WHAT? What did I do?!
Me:  I found what you left in the green bag in the cabinet!
Son #1: - What are you talking about, what green bag, what cabinet?!
ME:  I found used condoms in a little green bag, it has to be yours!
Son #1:  Mom, I haven't used condoms since I was a teenager, they aren't mine!
Me:  OMG....then WHOSE used condoms did I have in my HANDS?!  
I was so upset and grossed out to think whose could they be.  At this point, a mother knows if her children are lying to her and both sons were NOT. So, then how did these used condoms get here? The investigation and accusations continue!
Me: (to my guy)  No, it wasn't either of my sons!
Him:  YES, it HAD to be....one of them is LYING!
I call my son back:
Me:  OMG , OMG, OMG, who would do this?
Son #1:  Now wait mom, didn't you say the handyman and his wife liked the trailer and they had access to the key?
Me:  So you think they came in and had a love fest then neatly cleaned up after themselves and STORED the used condoms in my grandchilds bag?
Son #1 Maybe
Me:  OMG that's GROSS!  I'll never use him again!
Me:  Wait a minute, do you think that maybe your 13 year old step son put them on while he was !@#!@$ off and instead of putting them in the trash because the dog goes in the trash, he put them in the bag since that cabinet was closest to where he was sleeping?
Son # 1:  I don't know, I guess it's possible. I'll talk to my wife and I'll call you back.
About 1/2 hour later he calls back:
Son #1:  My wife went to her ex's house where the 13 year old was visiting for the day and she took her son into her car and asked him if he knows what @#@#$ off is!   He said  "Yes, Mom, WHY?"  She explained why and he said.."MOM, YOU MEAN YOU, MY STEP DAD, MY NONNA AND NONNO THINK THAT I DID THAT AND SAVED THEM IN A LITTLE BAG THAT IS OWNED BY A LITTLE KID?  OMG! So, not only did he NOT do that, but the poor kid has to live with the fact he had to have this conversation and be accused of such an act!
He was mortified, my daughter in law was mortified to even have to have that talk with her son, and now we are back to square one...WHOSE used condoms could they be?  The investigation continues...  Now, I'm on the phone with  my daughter in law and she offers this suggestion:
DIL:  Is the little green bag an army bag? 
Me:  Yes, it looks like it.
DIL:  Maybe son # 2 bought it at an Army/Navy store and they do sell used items.  Maybe he bought it with them in it!
Me:  Oh, good thought....I'll call him!
Me: (to son #2)  Did you buy the green bag used from the Army/Navy store?
Son #2:  Yes, we bought 3 of them, one for each child.
Me:  Did you look inside everyone?
Son #2:  No, I can't say that I did look inside EACH one, but Mom, are you  SURE they are used condoms because the kids WERE playing with rubber gloves.
Me:  No, they are NOT rubber gloves, I know what rubber gloves look like, these are condoms.  MY FIANCE said they most certainly ARE USED CONDOMS!
Son #2:  I don't know what to tell you mom, I have no idea
Me:  Well, I'm going to have DNA done on them and I'm going to need everyones toothbrushes!  This grosses me out and I'm getting to the bottom of this!
Son #2:  Go ahead, I'm curious too.
Another hour goes by, I still have no answers, I call son # 2 back to complain some more.
Son #2:  Mom are you SURE they are condoms.
Me:  YES!!!  Ask your kids whose bag it is so we can figure this out.
Son #2:  (to 4 yr old daughter).....where is your little green bag?
daughter:  right here daddy
Son #2:  (to middle child - 7 yr old son) where is your little green bag?
7 yr old son:  upstairs
Son #2: (to eldest child -  9 yr old son) where is your little green bag?
9 yr old son: Up the mountains
AHHHA so it's the 9 year olds bag I exclaim!
Son #2 (to 9 yr old) What is in your bag?
9 yr old:  little books and rubber gloves
OMG>>>>>>DID HE SAY RUBBER GLOVES?????? 
Me: (to son # 2)  Wait a minute, let me get my eye glasses and get a pair of rubber gloves on!
I go get a clean pair of rubber gloves (which, by the way do NOT look anything like I found in the little green bag), I put the gloves on, I get my eye glasses on and I proceed outside to get the "little green bag" back out of the trash.  I'm still on the phone with son #2 while I dump the contents, books and used condoms on a rock on the ground and now I'm forced to peel apart the USED CONDOMS.....YUK!
^^^^^^^ OMG^^^^^^^   As I peel one from the other, lo and behold......they ARE LATEX GLOVES!OMG   OMG   OMG!  LATEX GLOVES!  I couldn't believe it!  I am at this point, relieved, hysterical with laughter, followed by extreme nervousness thinking back to all the accuasations!
First my guy said it had to be one of my sons and one of them was lying!
I said it had to my my 13 year old grandson !@@#$## off in them and stored them in the bag!
My oldest son said it was probably the handman and his wife having a love fest in the trailer!
My daughter in law said my son probably bought it at the Army/Navy store with them in it!
WHAT AN ORDEAL!  The worst being my poor grandson being accused and having to have that @$#@#$ talk with his mother! For THAT I am soooo sorry!
BUT......you may ask, why am I blogging this?   BECAUSE IT ALL STARTED WHEN MY FIANCE SAID THEY WERE USED CONDOMS! HE is the one who insisted on it!  HE is the one who started this whole damn thing!  UGH!

The Biggest Loser Contest

At the end of my street, there is a golf course and a fitness center.  Last year they sponsored a competition called "The Biggest Loser".  They posted this on their signs which are at either end of our street.  Whether you turn right or left out of our driveway, you can't miss the signs. Their gym members join the group and they post how much the group has lost to date.  Last year the both signs showed Biggest Losers lost 45 pounds, 100 pounds, 160 pounds and so forth.  Every couple of weeks, they would update these signs that we pass EVERYDAY, SEVERAL TIMES A DAY, and eventually it got up and over 600 POUNDS!    Pretty impressive for a bunch of local people.  THAT is the back story.   So, TODAY, we passed the sign and sure enough it says......"Biggest Loser Is Back".  What does MY GUY say?    
HIM:  Oh, the biggest loser is back....I guess he went on vacation and gained all his weight back and is coming back to lose it again!
ME:  (I look at him because I can't believe he just said that and he CAN'T be serious!)
ME:  Are you serious?
HIM:  Stoic faced, he said....yes, why?
ME:  You think "The Biggest Loser is ONE GUY?"
HIM:  Yes, what else could it be?
ME:  Last year he lost over 600 pounds, and he gained it ALL back on VACATION and he is BACK to lose the weight again?  Are you serious?
HIM:  Well what do YOU think it means?
ME:  I explain it and he very calmly says...
HIM:  Oh

Coleslaw VS Sauerkraut

As we drove to our campground in the mountains, we decided we were going to stop at the Italian deli 20 minutes prior to our destination, buy sandwiches and eat at the trailer.  He decided he was going to order...."a delicious Italian Hoagie, yummmmmm!" as he salavates, just thinking of it!  He asked what I wanted.  I said, "A Turkey Special...that's turkey, coleslaw, thousand island dressing or russian dressing on rye."  I repeat it FOUR times and even have him repeat it BACK to me.  He repeated it correctly, but then asked me..."Is it a sandwich?"  I said, "It's ON RYE!".  He said, "Ok, but is it a sandwich?"  I repeat...."It's ON RYE BREAD!"  He says, very camly, "OK then, it's a sandwich".  I should have known then, that this was not going to turn out good.  We arrived at the deli, he went in to order while I stayed in the car with the dog and he came back 15 minutes later with a bag.  I held the bag on my lap as we continued on to the campground, when all of a sudden I feel my leg getting warm!  I put my hand in the bag and sure enough, the small sandwich (which would have been MINE), was WARM!  This is how the conversation goes from  here:
ME:  I screamed....WHAT DID YOU ORDER FOR ME?
HIM:  I ordered EXACTLY what you told me to get!  Turkey, SAUERKRAUT, thousand island dressing on rye bread!
ME:  (I was furious because I HATE Reubens and I don't even think those ingredients are in a normal Reuben...sounds GROSS to me!  I screamed....SAUERKRAUT?  When did I say sauerkraut?
HIM:  Well, you said something like sauerkraut, what did you ask for?
ME:  I said COLESLAW!
HIM:  Sauerkraut, Coleslaw, what do I know, it's the same thing!
The argument continues as I threaten to throw the entire bag out the window, but the saving grace were the cars to our rear and I didn't dare.  The solution...I made him eat my disgusting sandwich and I ate his DELICIOUS ITALIAN HOAGIE!

Disgraziato!

As I'm talking on the cell phone, long distance, with my 81 year old Aunt whom I haven't spoken to in quite a while, my "better half" trys desperately to get my attention as he is tap tap tapping his finger to his wrist to indicate....hey, you have been on the phone long enough!  I continue to talk as I try to ignore him.  He won't settle for my ignoring him so now he verbalizes that I've been on the phone for "three hours" (doubt that) and that I am using up all the minutes!  I wave him off to indicate I've heard him and I continue with my conversation.  When I finally get off the phone he tells  me again that I talked too long on the cell and he said I should have used the land line.  I reminded him I didn't think I'd be on the phone that long, and besides, we have plenty of roll over minutes.  Then it started to get heated and he said he was going to take my cell phone away from me!  Hello?  Since when am I the child and you are my parent?  So, I go get our latest bill from AT&T and show him we have 4,683 roll over minutes and even IF I were on the phone for 3 hours, that's a mere 180 minutes out of the 4,683 that I used!  What is the problem?  He wouldn't let up.  I couldn't believe he tried to justify his position in as many ways as possible because he didn't want to admit he was being ridiculous.  I told him I wanted a formal appology because he was the one who was absolutely wrong on this.  The outcome?  We sat in silence for the next 6 hours, not speaking to each other until I had to do the ususal, break the silence.  During the rehashing of this, he said I was the one wrong because I shouldn't have yelled at him!  Ok...then, honey, I appologize for yelling at you while I was making my point about the roll over minutes.  Now, may I please have YOUR appology.  He replies....."I'm sorry, YOU are SICK!"  Did I hear right?  Then, the real issue came out...."I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE....!"  It just got worse from there until I had to "fake" cry, which at that time I got a hug and an appology from him.  Why is it with some Italian men they can be so stubborn, they won't admit when they are wrong and it takes a whinny, crying female to stop them in their tracks?  You big brut!  Or should I say, you short little brut! Disgraziato!

Whose The Boss?

While visiting our neice in another state, she had hired a contractor to do some work at her house which happens to be the same line of work that my fiance does.  She didn't want her uncle to do the work because he was on vacation, he didn't have his equipment with him and this guy she hired was cheap enough.  The day of the scheduled work, our neice was at work, and the guys she hired were in the back yard doing the construction work.  Our lodging is about a mile away so on our way to the beach we stopped by her house  because my fiance wanted to "check" on the contractor.  We pulled up to her house and he got around to the back yard before me because I stopped to say hello to our neice's daughter who happened to pull in the driveway the same time we did.  After a few good words and hugs, my grand niece and I went to the back yard to see the job in progress and there was my fiance with a big smile on his face and speaking every now and then to the workers and the owner of the business.  All at once one of the workers was doing something on the job that my fiance didn't like.  He yells......"YO!  NO!  STOP!"  He continues to yell orders......don't do this, don't do that and he picks up one of their tools and HE starts working!!!!    Now everyone is staring at us like we have 3 heads but we just let my guy do his thing and after about 15 minutes of this we all walk away.  My grandniece goes in the house and my fiance and I go out to lunch.  As we are sitting having lunch I asked him..."So, how did you introduce yourself to the contractor?"  He said......"I didn't".    I shouted....."WHAT"? "You walked on the job, told them what to do and what not to do and you never told anyone you were the homeowners Uncle????!!!!!  OMG!!!!!!   He saw absolutley nothing wrong with what he did.  He said, "When someone walks up to a jobsite and takes charge like I did, they KNOW I'm the BOSS!!!!"    HELLO?   In what country?   No wonder they all looked at us like who the hell are you people!!!!!!     This is my life with my fiance, trying desperatly for the next 30 minutes to explain this is not appropriate while he spends the next 30 minutes trying to explain to me why it IS appropriate!!!!   You be the judge!!!

What Stinks?

We drove to Florida in our motor home, with our SUV in tow, to escape the cold northern winter.  We also brought our dog who loves to travel with us.  We are camped out at our favorite campground and part of our usual routine is that my fiance walks the dog along the dog path, picks up the poop, puts it in the poopy bag and then he throws it out in the designated trash can that they have placed along the dog path.  Sometime after the walk today, we decided to take a long drive in our SUV.  Upon getting into the SUV, I mentioned to my honey that it stunk in there.  He shrugged it off as he didn't smell anything.  We drove and drove and drove.  In fact, we stopped at various stores along the way and at one of our stops I decided to stay in the SUV and "cook" as I like to call it.  I just sat with the heater on, sun shinning in and I got all toasty and warm and ended up falling asleep and took a nap.   The next stop was Sam's Club.  I did get out for that and we picked up a few supplies.  Upon getting back into our SUV, again, I smell this God awful smell!  Now it's stronger than before.  I say to him again....."What IS that stinking smell?"    He says, in a matter-of-fact way......"Oh, I guess it's the dog poop.....I forgot to throw it out in the trash so I put it in the back of the SUV!!!!!    "YOU DID WHAT?   You mean we've been driving around for hours, and I've been napping in this closed up vehicle for 45 minutes, "cooking" and smelling POOP?  Why on earth did you put it in the SUV?"  He gave some lame excuse, it was not important to him.......HE wasn't the one who slept with the sweet smell of hot shit in the vehicle!!!!  So, what does he do next?  He gets the poopy bag out and throws it in Sam's Club trash can right at the front door where all the consumers can enjoy the sweet smells of hot shit as they enter and exit!!