Look In My Pocket

This episode took place when we were on vacation.  We knew most of the guests staying at the hotel because we all went the same weeks in the summer for years.  The back story on this is that one of the women there, is a big flirt and especially flirtatious with my guy.  So, I admit there is a bit of jealousy there on my part.  We'll call her Jane for the sake of this story.

Although most of us hung out every evening by the pool at our hotel, occasionally some would walk two hotels down where there was a bar on the beach.  So, on this one particular evening, that was the case; some went to the bar down on the beach and my guy and I decided to take a walk and we stopped by the bar to say hello to our friends.  One of our close friends, I call her Mary, asked my guy for some money as she was running low on cash.  This is how the rest of this conversation went:
Him:  "I'm a sorry, I have a no money with me."  
Mary:  "Oh, come on, you have to have money!"
Him:  "No, really I don't!" (as he puts his hands in his short pockets to indicate they are empty.)
Mary:  (razzes him some more, (kiddingly)
Him:   (seriously)..."I really don't!  Here, see for yourself!"  (as he leans sideways, as he pulls out his short pocket for her to slip her hand into!)
Mary:  "Oh, that's the oldest trick in the book!"
Him:  What?
Mary:  "I know what you want me to find!" (kiddingly)
Him:  (real serious)"What?  I have a no money, look!"
The conversation ends there because thank goodness Mary KNOWS better than to put her hands in his short pockets!

Now,  I know he meant it innocently.   He just really wanted her to believe him when he said that he didn't have any money on him.   I waited until we walked away from the bar and were on our way back to our hotel when I brought back this discussion.  I felt I had to explain to him that in this country you don't ask a woman to put her hands in your pocket because it has another meaning.  I went on to say to him that if this conversation was between he and Jane, the flirty girl, she would have certainly put her hands in his pocket and came up with a handful of private parts (to put it mildly).  Then I would have gotten really pissed off and who knows WHAT would have happened next!  He said I was crazy.  He saw NOTHING wrong with what he did and didn't understand the underlying suggestion by inviting a girl to go into a mans pocket.  Needless to say, this lead to a HUGE fight.  I wanted to get my point accross to him so it would not happen again and he continued to defend his innocence.  I polled many,people about this.  Both while on vacation and even when we got back home.   Everyone agreed with me!  He said in Italy no one would ever think anything sexual from this situation.  So, I put it to the test.  His brother, who was also born and raised in Italy is also now living in this country.  One day he stopped over and I approached him on this very subject.  This is how this conversation went:
Me: (to his brother)  "Do you have any  money on you?"
Brother:  "I'm a sorry, I don't.( as he puts his hands in his pockets)
Me:  "Oh, come on, you have to have money".
Brother:  "Really, I don't, here....look!" (and he opens his pocket for me to put my hand into!)
Me:  "You would REALLY let me put my hand in your pocket?"
Brother:  "Yes, why not?  I really don't have money on me.  My wallet is in the truck.  Look!". (as he motions again for me to put my hands in his pocket...with a very serious face, I might add.)

So there you have it.   Unbelievable!

Our First Date

Keep in mind when you read this story that when  I met my now, fiance, we both had children from previous marriages.

I met my fiance at a social event and after a few more similar social events he asked me out on a "real" date.  Just the two of us.  He asked me if I'd like to go to dinner the following Saturday and of course I said yes.  He picked me up and off we go to a local restaurant.  Of course I'm real nervous, you know how that is, eating for the first time in front of a new date.  You're careful not to order corn on the cob or anything that may get stuck in your teeth because you are self conscience, etc.  After looking at the menu for a bit, the waitress came over and this is how the conversation went:

Waitress:  (to me) "What would you like to order?"
Me:  (I order....can't remember now what I ordered but that's not important)
Waitress:  (to him) "And for you sir?"
Him: "Nothing."
Me:  "Nothing?"
Him:  "I already ate."
Me:  "WHAT?"
Him:  "I had to cook for the kids, I was hungry, so I ate."

OMG.....I can't believe he just said that!   I didn't know what to say!  I just clammed up and sat there so annoyed and mostly embarassed because now I was about to eat a meal by myself with him just sitting there watching me!  I was horrified!

The story doesn't end here.  The waitress brings over MY meal that I ordered and now this is the second half of this unbelieveable first date:

Me:  (to waitress)  "Thank you."
Him: "Oh, that looks good."
Me:  (too stunned to say anything)
Him: (again) "Umm, that looks good, can I have a bite?"
Me:  (again, too stunned to say anything)
Him: he proceeds to take his fork (that was previously on the table before we sat) and started picking at my food!
Me:  (again, too stunned to say anything!)

We both continued to eat my meal and ended up talking the night away! And THAT was the beginning of a long relationship with my guy.  Anyone else would have taken the high road, but there was something in this man that was worth just one more date, just one more date.  Now I've spent a lifetime with this man and I enjoy looking back at these hysterical memories with no regrets.

Really?

Mid morning I boiled 2 eggs so that they would be cooled by lunch time so I could make an egg salad sandwich.  My "better half" told me the timer was going off, so he removed the pot with the two eggs and left them in the pot, in the sink, and filled it with cold water.  "THANKS!", I said, as I was happily surprised.  I ran out to do an errand and upon my return I see 1 egg in the pot along with old coffee grinds, soap bubbles and other miscellaneous debris that were thrown in the sink and landed in the pot with my egg!  I inquire to him, "What happened here and where is the other egg?"  He replies, "Oh, I ate one egg".  I said, "But what's my egg doing sitting in this pot, filled with this crap?  He replies, "Oh, I cleaned out  my espresso machine!"   Now, I know there is a hard shell surrounding and protecting my egg from this trash, but WHO does this?   And so, the mini argument commences........

Soup or Salad

My fiance who is from Italy, not only speaks with an accent but he doesn't always understand clearly what people are saying to him.  Partly because he can't hear well, and partly due to a translation problem. 

We went to a restaurant and after looking at the menu, the waitress came over and this is how this conversation went:
Waitress:  Sir would you like soup or salad?
Him:  Yes
Waitress:  (looks at him with a puzzled look on her face) soup or salad?
Him: Yes
Waitress:  (Looks to me for help) 
Me:  Do you want soup OR a salad?  
Him:  Oh!  I wanna soup!
Me:  What did you think she was asking you?
Him:  I thought she was asking me if I wanted a SUPER SALAD!

Confirmation Of Ghosts

My fiance of many years became very spiritual years ago and became a firm believer of life after death, angels, reincarnation and ghosts.   What I didn't know is that he was still looking for "confirmation" of his new beliefs.  

We  vacationed at the same hotel for years.  We went the same two - three weeks in the summer.  We knew most of the guests because they too came every year, so it was like a big reunion and a lot of fun.  One day we had an argument and he was still angry and not speaking to me when it was time to go to bed.  Our hotel room had two double beds.  So, instead of getting into the bed where I was sleeping, he pulled down the covers on the bed next to me and climbed in.  You have to understand, I do NOT like going to bed angry.  I like to end the fight and I NEVER like to sleep apart.  He, on the other hand, was asleep and snoring within 10  minutes.  I couldn't take it anymore, I wanted him back in my bed and I wanted him to stop snoring.  I couldn't reach him to give the usual slight nudge to make him stop snoring, so what was I to do?  I took my water bottle that had a small amount of water left in it and WHACK....I quickly jerked the water bottle so that the remaining water flung out and it landed right in his face!  NOW I was SCARED!  I quickly put the water bottle back down on the end table between us and layed still....pretending to be asleep.  Of course he woke up immediately and this is how the conversation goes:
Him:   ( in a VERY soft voice)  "What the hell?   What the hell?"  He calls to me...I still pretend I'm sleeping.  He continues to speak in a soft voice.....What the hell?  He calls me again....louder!!!   
ME:  What?
HIM:  I'm all wet!
ME:  What do you mean?
HIM:  I'm all wet!  Look! (as he turns the light on)
ME:  Oh, you probably wet the bed!   (LOL)  now you'd think that alone would give him a clue I'm in on this :)
HIM:  No, really, look....there's water all over me and the sheets!
ME:  There is probably a leak in the ceiling
HIM:  NO....LOOK....there is no leak (his voice getting more and more excited)
ME:  Go to sleep, it's your imagination  (I'm scared shitless at this point)
HIM:  It's CONFIRMATION !!!!
ME:  WHAT?
HIM:  CONFIRMATION!!!   This is what I've been waiting for all these years! It's confirmation .  It was a ghost!
ME:   WHAT?
And.....so it goes....the fight is officially over and he is now back in my bed!  I won that battle, but now I am really scared.  If he finds out what happened he will be angry for a very long time!
NEXT MORNING:
HIM:  (opens the hotel door and sees one of our friends)
HIM:  (says to friend).....I was visited last night by a ghost!
FRIEND:  WHAT?
HIM:  I was visited by a ghost last night.  I was sleeping and all of a sudden I woke up and was all wet!
FRIEND:  It was probably .....(she says MY name!)
HIM:  NO....she was asleep!  I'm telling you, it was a ghost!
FRIEND:  OK...(as she continues to walk to get a chair by the pool)
AT THE POOL:
HIM:  (to another friend)....I was visited by a ghost last night!
2nd FRIEND:  WHAT?
HIM:  (same repeat of the story)
2nd FRIEND:  OK (looks away like he's nuts)
HOTEL OFFICE:
HIM: (as he is determined to get to the bottom of it...he goes to the front desk, says to the manager.....)     Have there even been reports of a ghost in the room I'm staying in?
MANAGER:  WHAT?
HIM:  I was visited by a ghost last night....I woke up all wet!
MANAGER:  WHAT?  No, no reports of ghosts!

He continued to talk about this to anyone who would listen....for DAYS and WEEKS he repeated this story, even when we got home!!   Now for sure I can't tell him the truth....this stuff is "divorce material" as my uncle would say!

Finally about 1 YEAR later....... he brought up the subject AGAIN!!!   This time though, I did confess.  Although I was scared to do so,  I felt I couldn't let this continue.  I had no idea he STILL had this on his mind!  The outcome?  He was soooooooo disappointed to hear it was me and not a ghost.  Luckily for me, enough time had passed that he wasn't mad at the fact I threw water on him, he was more upset to think he did not have his confirmation!   

Toilet Paper "Tails"

Ok, so I'm sitting on the toilet when all of a sudden, the door bell rings!  No one else is home and I've left the front door wide open.  The only thing between me and my unwanted guest is an unlocked, full glass storm door.  I've also left my bedroom and bathroom doors wide open, so I am feeling extra vulnerable at this point.  So, I do my thing, get off the toilet, quick flush, quick wash and I head to the front door.  But wait, something's not right!  I feel a dragging sensation.  I turn to look and sure enough, I have a trail of toilet paper following me at least 12 feet in length!  It goes down the hallway, turns the corner into my bedroom and I am assuming turns another corner into my bathroom.  I quickly pull, pull and this thing is still coming!  I give a hard yank and it is freed from the roll.  I'm still pulling to gather this trail of paper and now I have a huge wad of it.....what am I going to do with it?  I am two steps away from view of my front door!   So, I put it in my pocket....lovely look, I might add.   I take a couple more steps, to find, no one is at my door.  I continue to the door and I found a package left by the UPS worker.   Crisis averted!  But it does bring a another "tail" to mind.

Once my fiance and I were at a huge Contractors Convention in Florida.  It was early in the morning and there was a slow steady stream of people coming into the Convention Center.  Well, in front of us was a group of men, I'd guess around 40 years old and they were drinking coffee, taking in the sights. Now picture this..... The one man was wearing jeans and a tucked in polo shirt.  He also had a "tail" of toilet paper coming out of the top of his pants, hanging down to about his mid calf!  As if THAT isn't bad enough.....MY fiance walks up to him, taps him on the shoulder and says............"You have toilet paper stuck to you" and proceeded to YANK that toilet paper away from his pants and HANDED it to the guy!   YUK!   OMG......not only was that man mortified.........but I was GROSSED OUT!    How could my fiance have TOUCHED that toilet paper!!!!    I made him find the nearest men's room and go wash his hands.   

Why Bother Wearing Latex Gloves

People in the food industry wear latex gloves to protect whom?   Certainly not you as a consumer.   The guy behind the popcorn cart, wearing "sanitary" gloves while bagging the popcorn for the consumer, then takes our money when we purchased a bag, gives us the proper change and resumes putting his same gloved hands back into the tub of loose popcorn to continue bagging.  To make matters worse, just as we were about to walk away from the cart with our bagged popcorn, my fiance sticks his own hand into the tub of loose popcorn and helped himself to a few pieces of popped corn!  HELLO?  Who does that? I walked away very embarassed, he walked away explaining he had just washed his hands and the guy behind the counter continued to bag that popcorn to sell to the public!